Diversification, in Sweaters

Today's [humorous] lesson in diversification comes from from today's Shoebox » Ask a shoebox writer:

"Q:What’s a safe investment in this troubled economy?

A: No matter the economic outlook, I like to put my money into a nice consignment store sweater. Not only does it cozy out the chill, but it’s also like a nice hug from the guy who died in it. And during the toughest of times, it can be reconsigned back to the store. And that’s cash in your pocket, my friend! I won’t go into detail here because the reconsignment math gets complicated by “animal damage” and “a smell” that was totally there already. But here is the cornerstone of the financial plan: remain a dependant of your parents, at least legally, and financially and literally, for as long as possible. But like any business relationship, you must distance yourself emotionally. The more you rely on your mother’s noisy coin purse and stingy thermostat, the less you must care about her constant eviscerations of disapproval. And you don’t have to worry about your plan falling apart in the long run, because she’ll no doubt feel obligated to leave you her stuff in her will. And besides, good ol’ Mom doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon because apparently intense negativity is the cure for a hundred million cigarettes and counting."